I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
