Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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