Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
