I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
