I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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