Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ketchup is God's man juice
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
