And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
