The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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