before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
