hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Randomize
