I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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