the condom got lost in my hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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