The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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