i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
