I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
