oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
