i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
