i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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