Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
