After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
