i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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