I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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