According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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