Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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