A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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