I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
