Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
