My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
