ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
