i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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