the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
