Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
