did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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