I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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