guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
