you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
