Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
