Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
