I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
