Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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