Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
