I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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