birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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