I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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