Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
