I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
