one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
