so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
