Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
