remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you win again, gameday.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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